The craziest thing is even though I want to cry and shake and have some kind of outward display of grief, this has just happened to me too many times and all I can do is just get an overwhelmingly embarrassed flush as I thought I had found someone who actually wanted to stay with me, before I strip myself down to nothing but an affectless blank slate while I wait for the next person, who may finally, actually, really, truly want to stay with me.
I’m feeling pretty messed up right now for a variety of reasons.
I’ve known B for five years. I’ve been her friend four of them. We’ve been in love the last year or so.
She always asks me to never let her go. She wants me around all the time. She says she doesn’t know what she’d do if I wasn’t around.
I never want to let her go. I like being around her all the time. I like being her centering point, because it gives me a sense of purpose and security. It’s a two way street.
B has had a very difficult life, and continues to do so. I work very hard to make myself someone she can rely on, and can make her life easier rather than more difficult. It’s sometimes very trying for me, but I feel like it’s incredibly rewarding in a way that’s very difficult to explain or wholly understand.
She says she doesn’t want to marry me, and doesn’t see us having a long term future. This is the second time in about three months, I think she’s told me this, and every time, I think I just shut down emotionally because I don’t know how to respond to that.
I don’t know how to react. I work very hard to be supportive and encouraging, and reliable, and patient and understanding. I know it’s hard work, but I get so much satisfaction out of it. I don’t know how to deal with the idea that one day she’s going to say stop, and go and have a ‘rest of her life’ with someone else.
Hopefully when that day comes I’ll just wither away and disappear instead, because if she’s made that decision, that’s all there is to it, and I don’t want her to look at me and feel sorry or regretful. I just want her to be happy.
No, I was wrong, I feel messed up for that one reason.
It’s difficult when you’ve grown so used to submitting to someone and then, suddenly, you’re not. A balance is thrown.
Specifically to that person, there’s still a sort of deference you afford them. There’s something very much “there” that is sometimes difficult to just let lie. Because these things become forces of habit and suddenly your signals are completely crossed.
Generally, it’s just difficult not to have that dynamic. I don’t want to say I’m just hardwired to submit to people, but there is something about it that makes me very happy and feel very secure. Beyond the sexual aspect of it, the psychological level is incredibly powerful. And it’s hard to sit there sometimes and think you’d like to be serving someone but it’s just not happening for you right now.
I’ve noticed quite a few of you lamenting on here recently over a bdsm relationship that just ended and I send my condolences and best wishes. Because I know how it feels. I’m there right now and everything’s just a little off-balance.
(via mynameismaster)
eeeeeee oh my god
My cat does this. He is just entirely full grown.
(Source: cute-kitty-cats, via mynameismaster)
Brother says I can be his girlfriend as long as I keep dressing up for him
I’ll bet she has the cutest nose crinkle =)
(Source: solipsists, via in-my-asylum)